I was on a pub crawl with my friend Steve tonight.

Eventually we would up at the Fun House which is, as those of you who’ve read this shit before would know, an extremely punk rock bar.

I talked the bouncer into giving us a half-price cover (since I was wearing a dress shirt, I think the idea amused him).

The first band we saw was okay, and the second (apparently from Bremerton), pretty good.

I was feeling pretty ready to fall over by then, and I announced to Steve that I had had enough.

I knew there was no food at my house (I was preparing to leave for a week), but luckily there was a McDonalds next to the punk rock bar ready, as far as I knew, to sell me delicious sin.

I approached the door.  There was a McGarbageBin pressed against the door, clearly indicating it was not intended to be opened.  I walked around the building clockwise.  The next door was similarly barricaded.  I continued walking.  It wasn’t long before I had made a circuit and realized that the McDonalds was closed to foot traffic.

The drive through (sorry, “Drive Thru”) was obviously still open, so I walked up to the Magic Talk-o-matic Box as soon as the car in front of me moved on.

“Hey!” I said, tentatively.

“Hi!  Welcome to McDonald’s!” the box replied.

Figuring that it’s easier to get forgiveness from McDonalds than permission I powered on…

“I want two hamburgers, extra mustard, and a large or jumbo or whatever the fuck you call the ‘big’ fry.”

Silence.

“Hello?”

Silence.

“Hello?”

This repeated many times.

An SUV pulled up behind me.  It was thoughtful of the driver not to run me over.

I can’t be sure if you’re drunk while reading this, but if you are, the next step is obvious.

I stepped aside so the SUV could pull forward a bit.  I did my best not to look like an axe murderer.  I gestured for the driver (some pretty girl) to open the window.

Even though I was really intoxicated I was surprised she complied.  Doesn’t she know I could be an axe murderer?

“The store is closed and only the drive thru [yes, I pronounced it "thru", not "through"] is open… could you order some food for me?”

“Uh… Yes, I suppose.  What do you want?”

I decided it wasn’t worth getting fancy with her… “I want two hamburgers and a large fry.”

Okay.

I watched as she pulled up to the magic box.  She ordered her food and then looked back at me (I was about six feet  behind her) and said, “I also want…”

“Two hamburgers and a large fry,” I said.

“Two hamburgers and a large fry,” she told the robo-teenager.

As she pulled ahead, I walked up beside her vehicle in the most non-threatening manner I could manage and held up a $10 bill for her to take.  She told me she didn’t want it.  I pressed her to take it.  “I promise you, I’m not homeless!”  She assured me she both believed me and didn’t care.

I walked ahead of the waiting vehicles and waited, figuring there was a 50% chance that I’d get my food and a 50% chance that the police would show up.  Eventually, her SUV cleared the drive through (that’s pronounced “thru”) and she stopped.  She handed me a large fry and two hamburgers.

Again I tried to offer her a $10 bill.

She told me to pay it forward.

I got the reference because it’s the title of a movie I never watched.

I sat in the parking lot and ate my delicious free food.

Napkins are for pussies.

Napkins are for pussies.

Hot chick in the SUV… I’m kind of in love with you.